When You Love Sports But Hate Basketball

I watched basketball three times over the last decade.  For me, this was more than enough. Here they are, in order:

• I went to a Knicks game.  The year was 2001.  A lawyer I worked with asked me to go.  It was my first day on the job (as my previous post explained, this was one of the times I looked good.)  Now I know what you are thinking...don't shit where you eat.   But this was a Knicks game at Madison Square Garden...so the rule was allowed to be broken.  Our seats sucked.  I went home right after (I'm a lot of things but easy ain't one of them, especially when you sit in the nosebleed section). 

• TNT's coverage of Lebron James and the Heat against the Cleveland Cavaliers. "Akron Hates You" was the climax of the evening.  

• Carmelo Anthony's first game with the Knicks.  I AM a New Yorker so I HAD to.  If I hear Diddy's song "Coming Home" one more time I may just buy me a Knicks jersey!

Not even my love for Craig Sager and his dapper attire could force my fingers to type into my remote TNT on Thursday nights.

On a side note, there is not the right word in the English dictionary to describe my euphoria when Sager was part of the team that covered the Yankees during the ALDS and ALCS.  Say what you want about the idiocy of Smoltz and Johnson (Darling was on the 1986 Mets, so I can never say anything bad about him) Sager's presence was stellar.  Whether reporting on a controversial umpire call or accurately describing what some players ate for lunch; his coverage was always...in depth.  I attended Game 3 of the ALDS at Yankee Stadium and my seats where in the 400 section, but you know what I saw on the field?  That's right...Craig Sager and his suit. 

(If you have no idea who I am referring to, please google him.  You won't be disappointed.)

Back to the point of this blog entry.  As I anxiously await the beginning of baseball season, I find myself in a state of utter disgust and horror.  WHY???  My twitter timeline, Sportscenter, sportsradio shows, 3 or 4 or 100 television channels are all about basketball.  No not the NBA, but COLLEGE basketball.. COME ON MAN!!! 

I could care less about the mid-west, let alone their college basketball programs.  I asked friends who have never watched a college basketball game why they are filling out these "brackets."  "Football is over and baseball has not started."

Desperate times call for desperate measures.  Even I am not desperate enough.

The Fashion (or lack thereof) of a Mother

Let me preface this post with the truth.  At times in my life, I did try to look good.  Here are ALL of those times:

• A few weeks in high school.
• My first few years of college, but only on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights.  Basically, whenever I went out drinking.....ummm yeah.....so add some Sundays, Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. 
• The first few weeks (okay days) of a new job.
• The first few dates with someone new.
• The first 4 months I dated my husband.  I actually wore dresses.
• My Wedding (I wore a dress for this too).

Yeah that is pretty much it.  Let's state the obvious...I am LOW maintenance.  When I do my hair and put on make-up, I am almost unrecognizable.  This is not an assumption; students, bosses, boyfriends and family have all felt inclined to share this fact with me. (Notice my husband is not mentioned. :)

So let's add a toddler to the above.  Is it possible to get any "lower?"
Let me describe what I am wearing, from top to bottom. 

                                                (In my sexy voice)  

• A black t-shirt.  On the right shoulder, a spaghetti sauce stain from making dinner (yeah I MADE dinner). On the left shoulder, a stain of unknown origin.  A few deodorant stains sprinkle down both sides (Hey, at least I remembered to put it on today).  Numerous coffee/latte/coolata stains adorn the front.  The bottom has some dried snot that originated from my daughter's nose. 

• Grey pants.  Fortunately, my t-shirt is long enough to cover the various   toothpaste stains left after wiping my daughter's face (yes I have towels).  

• One black and grey sock.  At least they match the outfit.

• Hair.  I have gotten smarter in my motherhood....a pink Louis Vuitton hat.  It screams fashionista without the fuss (I brush it though....sometimes).

• If you are wondering about my nails, eyebrows or toes, then you really aren't paying attention.

• OH...I did remember to wear a bra today.  Winning! 

Now if I had a Nanny, hair stylist, make-up artist, clothes stylist and a personal assistant....I would look like Halle Berry too (I'm white though).

Sesame Street Through the Eyes of a Reality TV Obsessed Cynical Mom

My daughter is 3 and I am unable to watch "my TV shows" because I do not want her exposed to "reality."  I wait patiently until she is asleep and then I watch one of the following:

• Survivor (Boston Rob is back).
• Jersey Shore (I am from Staten Island, so it's the culture).
• Basketball Wives (even though no one is currently or ever was married to a   basketball player - later blog entry to follow concerning this).
• Million Dollar Listing - Nothing like seeing million dollar homes to make you realize where you went wrong in life.
• American Idol - I like train wrecks.
• Celebrity Apprentice - 2 words ---- Gary Busey.
• Dancing with the Stars - I AM a mom now....its better than Oprah (right?)
• Celebrity Rehab - Dr. Drew is sexy, isn't he?  (On a serious note, I was devastated upon hearing that Mike Starr died from his addictions.)
• Hell's Kitchen - I hate going in kitchens, so I watch them on TV.

Those are the ones I currently DVR.  It changes from season to season.  I still consider myself more sophisticated than anyone who watches any variation of The Real Housewives of________. 

With my taste in television, is it wrong to criticize those who watch Glee?  

So with the above-referenced in mind; I watch Sesame Street with my 3 year old.  I realize that "my reality" isn't too far removed from hers. 

                                         Sesame Street

This is the true story...of muppets...picked to live on a street...play together and have their lives taped...to find out what happens...when muppets stop being polite...and start getting real...Sesame Street


Big Bird - Dependency issues.  He is over 30, needs to leave the "nest." Possible reality show:  For the Love of New York 4. 

Cookie Monster - As Family Guy brilliantly portrayed, he has an addiction problem.  His addiction is in his name, for crying out loud.  Possible reality show:  Intervention/Celebrity Rehab.

Grover - Excuse me, Super Grover.  I can wear a cape and change my name to Super Jessica, doesn't mean it's true.  Identity issues.  Possible reality show: Rupaul's Drag Race.

Oscar - I don't like to refer to him as grouch; maybe moody, maybe depressed, maybe bi- polar....maybe #winning.  I would be this way too if I lived in a trash can.  Possible reality show:  Hoarders.  Let's be honest, there is stuff in there from 1975.



Bert and Ernie - What may have started out as a homage to the Odd Couple has turned into a loving homosexual relationship.  They both do not feel comfortable about this (hence the separate beds).  They should be proud and come out.  It's obvious.  Possible reality show: LOGO anything/Real World/Amazing Race (nothing brings lovers closer together than not sleeping and running around the world with one suitcase).

Elmo/Zoe/Abby - Zoe is a little ballerina.  She is the star and the apple of Elmo's eye.....that is until Abby moves to the block with her "special dust" and wands.  "Black Swan" anyone?  Then Zoe disappears for a whole season and Abby has "sleepovers" with every muppet on the block.  Oh no she didn't!!!  Possible reality show:  TOO MANY TO NAME!

Snuffaluffagus...Snuff for short....and I'll leave it at that.

The Count - Dave Chappelle once did a joke about the Count being a pimp (with the cape and obsession with counting his money).  With that in mind, I give you the following (this really happened):  Abby learns how to count to 10 which excites her tremendously.  The Count responds, "You never forget your first time."  and then winks.  Possible reality show:  Love & Hip Hop.


Lesson - If you are a parent that does not let your children watch TV or waits until after they are 3....I get it!

Maybe tomorrow I will break down the perverse world of Sid the Science Kid.......
 

Charlie Sheen

My life now belongs to my 3 year old daughter;  from the moment I wake until the moment she finally falls asleep.  Then I have about an hour or so until I pass out on my couch.  In other words, my free time is valuable.  So my predicament is....to buy or not to buy Charlie Sheen tickets for Radio City????  Is it against everything I stand for....sure....but it might be fun (in watching a Nascar crash kind of way) and hey it will definitely give me something to write about.  Did I mention tickets are over $100. 

Part of me knows that this money will wind up going up his nose....